New chapter.
It has been 3 years plus since the last time I wrote here. Tonight I feels like want to write. I have been writing on padlet all these while but I have reached the limit so that was the reason I came to these blog. My feyonce (opss :P) have been reading my curhat on my notes. I kinda segan actually dont really like he read my notes. I totally okay if he read when not infront of me and pls jangan dibahas or asking me bout it bisa ga sih. Cukup lho baca sendiri aja. Writing on these white paper gv me a peace and therapeutic to me. My instinct brought me here tonight.
2023
I engaged to the man that I hv been waiting for almost a year. He disappeared the moment I need him. After almost a year he went missing, he came with a proposal. I will nvr forget the day we met for the first time. You just turun kapal for few hours. I drove 2 hours from Kuala Selangor just to meet you. I was completely unaware how much how much you would mean to me.
2024
We went thru a lot of ups and down especially during you sailing and I was onboard at the same time. Both of us was busy with our work. You was busy built a career and I was exploring another chance in my industry. I had a mental breakdown few times at offshore. Admitted hospital due to food poisoning. Outstation here and there. Home is just a place to sleep only. Busy hustling and flying high. I thanked God for the support system that I got from ibu abah all family members and ofcourse from you.
2025
Currently youre sailing and I will onboard next month. Juggling between office life, offshore life, personal life and wedding preparation. Yes we are just two months to our wedding day. And K is still sailing. He's gonna be home next month. Cant wait to fetch him on the demob day. You macam pelangi. You muncul bila hujan dah berhenti. You came the moment I was lost. Looking for something that Im not sure what Im looking for. You isi balik tangki yang kosong. You tampal balik semua luka yang pernah wujud satu satu. You sembuhkan balik parut yang pernah ada. You terima I walaupun trauma I tak hilang. Lepastu you ajar I untuk belajar berdamai dengan semua yang pernah jadi. Susah. Sebab I jenis susah nak lupa sebab tak pernah dapat a proper apologize from people who hurt me. Sampai sekarang susah nak praktis apa you ajar. I still in my baby steps.
You said you also pernah gv me a trauma that make me hard to forget bout it. I senang nak maafkan tapi susah lupa. A part of me ada lagi rasa susah nak percaya dan I rasa bersalah untuk itu sebab susah nak percaya. Tapi you dah banyak berubah since that day. Lagi banyak berubah sejak kita tunang. Tapi ada these voices coming these past few days that remind me of the tragedy. I hate to think bout it. Maybe the reason I teringat that tragedy was because I singgah Coffee Bean S2 to get some matcha last week. We went there after 2 days from the tragedy. I still remembered we went for coffee while I teman you siapkan my lego. I cried after sent you home. After that we nvr been there anymore. We are getting married in few months je lagi but I keep having a nightmare. Lagi dekat dengan tarikh nikah makin pelik pelik mimpi. Tengok you banyak berubah sejak tunang, I couldnt be more proud of. Till now. That's for sure.
Why I wrote here and never tell you bout the voices in my head? Because Idw to make you sad. Idw you to feel that I ungkit the tragedy. The voices suddenly came without warning. I hate to think bout it. Idw to make you sad and disappointing you.
The tragedy that happened on my birthday 2023 was a nightmare. So does a week before our engagement day where you decided to leave me. Tapi tak tahu where I got the tenang to face it on my birthday. Maybe I can see that you can change to be a better you the I saw you for the first time. And yes you changed after we got engaged. I still making a dua for you to be a best version of you till now. Seeing you now always make me smile. Your efforts are the reason I can forget the tragedy slowly.
Kasih sayang yang you bagi telah meruntuhkan ego yang aku punya, melembutkan hati yang dulu keras benar untuk melupakan sesuatu hal. Dengan you, I boleh jadi diri sendiri without fearing of you judging me. Dengan you, I boleh jadi fragile bila-bila masa yang I nak. Dengan you, I boleh cerita apa je. He treat me with gentleness. Setiap hari I doa dekat Tuhan supaya I lupakan semua trauma yang you pernah bagi dekat I. I can see your effort making me happy again after that tragedy. I appreciate the effort. A lot. Hati I tetap untuk you. Your name has been in my doa since 2022 till now and I will nvr stop mention your name in my doa. Setiap hari I cakap terima kasih Tuhan sebab hadiahkan I lelaki baik and sayang I macam nyawa dia sendiri.
Yang, banyak dah kan kita go thru together and we still stand strong till now. Kalau ingat balik semuanya mesti nangis. I wouldnt be a strong girl facing the reality if life if it is not because of you. Youre everything to me. My happy pil and sunshine. By agreeing to marry you, I doa kasih sayang kita tak pernah putus sampai bila-bila. Cinta you yang besar itu telah memeluk sekeping hati ini yang dulunya merasa lelah dengan dunia. Terima kasih, cinta. Selamanya akan aku jaga kasih sayang kita hingga sorga.
77 days till our nikah day.
