New Year Eve

Well basically everyone is waiting to celebrate New Year on New Year's Eve. I cant believe it is end of 2018. The year that full of ups and down. For me, it's kinda hectic this year for me especially this semester. Lots of emotion. There are time where I'm down and all I want to do at that time was sleep all day long. Jujurnya tahun paling banyak aku bermain dengan emosi terutamanya semester ni. 

Ecah and Me

Ecah came to my room and suddenly she locked the door. I was alone in my room till she came. Well that's not a good sign the moment I heard she locked my room's door. And the story goes on. I know she is not feeling good. She cry again. There's one  thing that she said that makes me realise that is so true girl and I couldn't deny it anymore. Ecah really knows me very well. She know what and how I feel. Ecah cakap kita ni memang banyak gelak nad macam takde masalah tapi aku tahu kau terasa bila budak budak ni marah kau depan kelas and bila tiba tiba kau diam. Aku tahu tapi aku diam je. Suddenly, I cried. Duhh I cannot even lie with this girl. "Kau tengoklah macam mana budak rumah dia buang dia. Kata best friend" Allahu that is what Atiq to told Ecah about me. Presentation Halal. Am the only girl dalam group lelaki. Before that aku group lain . Tercampak dengan classmate yang aku tak selesa bekerja and I decided to change my group with Apis, Syafiq and Syed. Budak budak rumah tak peduli pun dengan siapa aku tercampak, dengan group mana aku masuk. Tipu lah kalau aku tak terasa.                                                                                

Ekin turns twenty

Rindu. Sumpah kali ni rindu yang amat. Patutnya aku rasa happy sebab hari ni birthday Ekin but at the same time I do feel empty and sad deep in my heart. I should and must be happy since today is ekin's birthday but I dont' know the feelings keep pushing me. Sumpah berat rasa ini. Sumpah kalau ditanya bukan ini yang aku mahu. Aku tak nak rasa ni datang di tengah aku sibuk dengan assignment and presentation and test. Aku rindu kau sayang. Hampir setengah dekad kau tinggalkan aku. Peritnya hanya Tuhan yang tahu. Aku tak tahu kenapa rasa rindu ini kuat sekali. Rasa bersalah dengan Ekin. Patutnya aku happy untuk dia tapi deep down inside I'm crying because missing you so much. 

28 October 2018
Hampir 48 jam dan selawat solatu salam masih lagi berputar tanpa henti. Hati aku seolah olah tak nak lepas dari dengar selawat ni. Selawat yang buat aku teringatkan kau. Selawat yang kita sama sama belajar masa sekolah agama rendah dulu. Ya Rabb, it is so pain. Macam nak pecah dada aku. Air mata aku meleleh macam air hujan. Berkali kali aku ingatkan diri sendiri jangan meratap sedih ini tapi aku tak tahu kenapa aku degil sangat. Penat aku sorok mata. Penat aku nangis sorok sorok. Sigh. 

Anne turns twenty

Today is Anne's Birthday. Last night we made a little celebration for her although the cakes and chocolate's bouquet was not comes from us. The cake was from her sister, Kak Cha while the chocolate's bouquet was from her secret admire. None of us knew who is Anne's secret admire. We were jovial celebrate her birthday last night. Finally Anne turns twenty. Anne was cried when she knew Kak Cha sent her birthday cake. I know she feel touched. The feelings mix together. Wallahi deep inside my heart I feel envious with Anne. She is surround with people who loves her very much. I can see every single people loves her to the max. She have a beautiful soul. She is soft spoken as a person. She never judge people. She will help her friends that especially who have a financial problem although she also doesn't have an enough money. She will help me in study. The one who will always motivate me and such a positive person. Cheerful and happy go lucky person but a bit shy. Everyone adore her so much that some times I do feel insecure with Anne. The Javanese girl that are very humble and kind hearted. 

I never receive a surprised from my sister just like Kak Cha did to her. Lucky her. I wish I will be presented with surprise by people that I love during my birthday this year. Unfortunately, no celebration during my birthday. I was so busy with presentation, assignment the night before and we had a sleepless night. But yeahh, Allah SWT was so great that although I didn't get any surprise from my Rapunzels, I did very well during my presentation although Madame Lela said my group was a bit disorganize. I was joyful when I knew Madame Lela's birthday is a day after my birthday while Atiq was on fifth of June. It was a moment to remember. 

I don't want to be a slave who doesn't know how to be bersyukur. I don't want that to happen. Lama aku pujuk hati. Tipu bila tak iri dengan orang lain. It was me yang over excited during my birthday. No one cares but me. But my teacher once said if no one want to give you present during your birthday then you can buy it yourself. Dont wait for others It's your birthday. Make yourself happy during your special day. Dear Allah, I'm sorry if I get jealous and overreact. Thank you fir giving me a best ibu, abah, sisters, brothers and foremost best friends that love me so much and I'm sorry if I don't appreciate it enough.

College start

Life as student is back to normal. Back to reality after one and half month semester break. This semester is different. I dont know how to feel. Aku tak rasa ada semangat untuk semester kali ini. Hilang mungkin. Entah. Aku sendiri tak tahu. Belum lagi dicampur emosi yang turun naik macam takde penghujung.  Another twelve weeks to go. We'll see how long can I survive. 

Nandos

I survived first week of lecture without you. Each time I go to cafe the green carpet is empty without you. There are only your friends not you. I wish that you are here. Watching you smashing the shuttlecock. A week before college registration day Aten told me that you got ANC award. Happy to hear that. Another thirteen week to go. 

I miss you, Nandos.

Gemuk & buruk

Kau mungkin nampak aku bahagia. Kalau bukan gelak tawa apa lagi cara yang boleh untuk tutup kesedihan. Aku tak suka bila orang panggil aku itu ini. Aku rasa macam tak dihormati. Malah kadang aku rasa macam dimalukan. Buruk dan gemuk itu dah lali aku dengar. Kau tak tahu macam mana susahnya aku untuk teruskan dan maintain berat yang seperti ini. Tipu kalau aku kata lelah itu kadang datang menjenguk tiap kali aku rasa macam nak putus asa dengan rutin pemakanan yang aku buat. Dengan susuk tubuh yang seperti ini juga buat keyakinan aku hilang sikit demi sikit tiap kali aku nak keluar dari rumah. Dan apa saja yang aku pakai di badan belum tentu rasa yakin itu ada. 

Entah kenapa topik ini yang datang jengah dalam otak malam ini. 

Swimming reason!

Untuk kesekian kalinya ibu tanya kenapa aku tak pergi swimming class. Dan hari hari selepas finale aku juga Kakfy and Acap tanya bila nak pergi swimming class because I'm not fully know how to swim as I doesn't have safety during swimming. Kalau ditanya semestinya aku nak pergi because that is what I planned before my semester break start. Jujurnya, sebab aku dah beberapa bulan tak pergi buat aku takut nak masuk dalam air. Tak terkira berapa ratus kali aku terbayang yang aku rasa aku akan lemas dalam pool walaupun aku tahu Cik Amin takkan biarkan student dia lemas. Aku yakin dengan Cik Amin. Dan kata-kata dari seorang berpangkat dato' yang mengatakan "kau dah besar pun pakai pelampung lagi, dah patut bukak tu" sambil dia gelak ketawa itu masih lagi terngiang-ngiang kuat di kepala aku. Suara dia cukup kuat untuk semua swimmers dengar. Sumpah aku malu. Mulanya, aku ambil on the positive side tapi kali kedua yang dia malukan aku masa hujan tu buat aku tak boleh nak lupakan. Tak aku tak dendam. Cuma, aku susah nak lupakan. Aku tak tahu kenapa perangai susah nak lupakan sesuatu benda tu makin susah  aku nak buang sejak usia aku sedekad ini. Mungkin Kakfy boleh kata aku bodoh sebab benda kecik je aku tak nak pergi swimming class. Tapi sumpah aku struggle untuk tolak jauh jauh suara suara manusia berpangkat dato itu dalam otak aku. :((((((((((

Dan terpaling pasti aku rindu Cik Amin. Suara dia yang jerit jerit tu buat aku lagi semangat untuk kayuh dalam air. Aku rindu nak berenang dengan ibu-ibu dekat situ yang some of them aku panggil cikgu. They are so nice. Humble yet kecoh. Ohh aku juga rindu Nurrrr or Cikgu Nur aku. Sungguh la sabar betul dia ajar aku. Muda dua tahun dari aku tapi matang betul dia. Kisah dia yang setiap tahun dapat medal tiap kali MSSNS tapi tak dapat tempat untuk pergi MSSM insipire me so much. Moga apa yang dia impikan dikabulkan Dia. 

Rindu Cik Amin. Rindu Nur. Rindu dua cikgu yang rapat dengan aku tu. :)

It's August!

It's been one month since I started my semester break last month. My exam went well Alhamdulillah. Hoping for the best result, InshaAllah. I had planned for the activities that I'm going to do during my semester break such as continue my diet as I have another few kilograms to lose, going to swimming class, reading all my novels that I haven't read since the last time I bought. It's almost two years if I'm not mistaken. Ohh and I also planned to meet my friends, goshh I have a lot of friends from different year (read:primary school, high school, new high school ect). I know a lot of friends doesn't guarantee the happiness but each of my group of friends have four to five people only. I do keep my circle small y'know. I'm glad that I had met some of them. I do miss them a lot. Spent my time and talked about what we did, what happened with uni's life etcetera etcetera, you named it mehhhhh. Quality time over quantity. Not just that, I also planned to do my 'do it yourself' birthday card. My new hobby since I don't even remember. *rolled eyes

So far, some of my plan does not achieve. But, I do enjoy what I did so far. Send and fetch Sabeera and Acap to school. Clean up my room with my two sisters. I t took two weeks I guess to clean up our bedroom. Never thought that I do have a lot of clothes that does not fit me at all but I keep it in the closet. Now, counting days till my semester break end. 

Deep conversation

Having a deep conversation during late night. It is really a deep conversation that I don't know what and how to feel. When you said that you do see us together in future. Speechless. Yeaa it is long way to go but it feels like this is so fast and I'm not ready yet. I just had my birthday last week and you already talked about future. Together with me. And why me though? Honestly, I never thought you do take serious about us and want to bring me into serious stage one fine day. Anything can happen in five years. And I dont want any heart got broken for sure. But I do respect that you never break my wall. 

Orang kata

Orang kata rasa kehilangan tu bukannya boleh hilang dalam masa sehari dua. Setahun dia belum pasti. Couldn't agree more!! I lost my best friend few years back. The pain hurt like hell. Tu baru kawan, belum lagi keluarga dan orang-orang yang aku sayang yang lainnya that make me think how it will be when I lost my family? I don't know. Cant imagine. But Ustaz Hafiz said you may think that you cant handle the situation but when Allah take away your beloved, that the the moment you are strong. Strong enough to handle the lost and pain. He will not test you more than you can ever imagine. Always have faith in Him. Stay qawiy. 

Keep everything

Honestly, it is kinda annoying when you are excited to talk to someone and you does not feel the same energy back. That make me keep everything inside my heart.

It was you!

It was June 6. Few minutes after Maghrib.  I just fnished my iftar and suddenly I got a message. It was from you. Received your wishes few minutes before iftar and I read it after iftar. Terharu! You wished me happy birthday. I was touched. Because honestly I was waiting wish from you. You said  "I thought you forget my birthday" because you also was waiting my wishes. It's been eight years how come I forget your birthday? You said you never forget my birthday since my birthday is week after your birthday. Same goes to me. And Wallahi it broke my heart once I know you are not okey. May you found your happiness and trust again!

June

Hello June!!!

The most hectic week just started. Honestly I hate week 13 as my schedule is going to be pack and busy. It will be full of presentation week but I'm also excited for the upcoming June 6.

Bahagia

Dina poe harita manehna keur bahagia
Tepak toel geugeut pisan dunya asa nu duaan

Love

Bye forever. Love you. I hope you will be fine without me!

-I'm not fine till now. Thanks to you...

Sungguh

Sungguh aku lelah dengan rasa ini. Aku mohon untuk kau pergi. 

Sangka

One of the reason kenapa aku deactivated facebook. Kerna inilah. Kerna aku tahu pastinya aku akan buka semula conversation kita dulu dulu. Dan malam ini aku active semula account yang dah lama aku tutup hanya untuk tengok Dilan1990. Aku sangka lepas habis Dilan1990 aku mahu deactive kembali tapi sangkaan aku silap. And suddenly I realised you was active seven hours ago. 

Iras

Aku tak tahu kenapa perlunya ada manusia muka seiras kau di sini. Yang bila mana bila aku terserempak pasti buat jantung aku berdegup laju. Tak. Aku tak salahkan manusia yang seiras mukanya dengan kau. Tapi kenapa perlu aku jumpa manusia yang seiras kau? Ahhh manusia rapuhnya seperti dahan yang patah. Dan aku rasa bodoh untuk itu. 

Deny

*fall by justin bieber playing*

Feel like walking on the red carpet with full of petals red roses. Wowww that is so metaphore. I dont know why I'm feeling like this. Been in a denying for almost a month. Somehow I try to deny this feeling. Should I deny this feeling? A big yes I guess. Although he did confessed to me. Rasa macam tak patut ada rasa ni. Tak salah kan if tolak rasa ni? Lumrah manusia itu memang ada rasa suka tapi aku tak nak lagi ada rasa ni. Cukup sekali jiwa aku kemalangan kerana rasa ini. 

Dosa

"Dosa itu adalah apa yang bergetar di hati dan kau merasa tidak lagi suka melihat orang berbuat dosa."

Morale up

I really need something to boost up my morale for the next six weeks. Cant wait to finish the semester. Pretty tough I must say. 

Roommate 2.0

Untuk kesekian kalinya aku rindu dua roommate aku semester lepas. First roommate that I met was during first semester which were Mek. While last semester was Ekinn. I wish that I can stand more longer with this new stranger roommate. Another 10 weeks to go. Sigh. 

Kurus

Doing a diet is not easy. Told ya it really needs a strength mental and spirit to do that. Currently, Im having a diet month. Lost two kilos during my semester break in a month and lose one kilo two weeks ago. Only last week I didnt manage to timbang my weight. Another 10kg to lose. Hopefully I can control my nafsu makan. I swear penat dah jadi gemuk. 

Bila lagi

Kalau bukan sekarang bila lagi Tuhan mahu uji? Mungkin sudah terlalu lama di tahap selesa. Sesekali kena rasa dan terima juga dugaan yang Tuhan beri. Patut kena muhasabah diri dan cari hikmah lagi. 

Hajat

Untuk hajat tak tertunai tu perlu akur sebenarnya. 
Perlu cari hikmah kenapa hajat itu sepertinya tidak mahu dikabulkan oleh Tuhan.
-nadi/'17

I know

I like you a lot but I know you dont feel the same way

Not okay

You know youre not okay when all you can say is I'm okay.

Isn't it? 

Swimming

Second class of swimming. So far I really love the surrounding. I got a lot of positive vibes from people around me. They are so kind towards me as I'm the beginner. My coach definitely the best coach ever. And today I got to meet this one person that have a charming smile. I noticed her since last week. At first I thought that girl is boy because the boy cut hair. Lol :))))))))) Then my coach told me she is former mssm swimmer. I called her cikgu kecik because that time I dont know her name. Lolll. Now I know why both my sister and brother loves swimming very much. Both of them dah level power. Seeing my coach remind me of my archery coach, Cikgu Mohad. I miss Cikgu Mohad and Cikgu Yus so badddd :( 

Kinetik

#Kinetik

Such an inspirational short film to watch. I swear the moment I bumped into the film, I watched it till the end with a tears ofcourse. It was amazing how a short film can give impact to yourself like I did. Nowadays, it is very hard to find and watch a good quality of film or drama. The cinematography was beautiful at it is. I'm speehless when I saw the view in the film although the scene took in village. Yeahhh you heard me. The old village. Putri Tanjung really really reallyyyyyy did an amazing job as director. And also the scriptwriter did a great job. In the beginning of the film, I really admire the friendship between the three of them. How they do know each other very well. You know it is really hard to find someone that know and understand ourself very well like Dhea Seto, Rehal Hady and Kenny Auztin did. The short film really insipires me like what the director aimed. They went to the Karawang that located in West Java. It took two hours from Jakarta but the situation is really different from the city like Jakarta. There were no phone signal with jalan yang masih lagi bertanah merah and also with a litle bit of water storage. They have to walk for half an hour just to get into the village. Kinetik taught me that do not take something for granted and appreciate.
Somehow, it reminds me of people who are very poor that appreciate every little things more than me. 

Roommate

Who is going to be my roommate next semester?The question keep in my mind since my semester break start. And I swear it is bothering because, uhm well yknow roommate is rumit. I dont know who I should choose. Should her or her? Will my next roommate okay with my rules? Will she okay with my jazz and orchestra stuff? (sorryy I'm old school people) Will I be happy with my new roommate? Can I trust her like I trust my previous roommate? I couldnt find any better from the old two rommates before.